and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

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kate

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

He hasn't been sleeping well since he'd woken from his coma, and he still thinks that's kind of funny. Now that he's back to what he supposes he can call normal, as far as his brain is concerned, he feels a little more confident that he'll be okay; it's just that with the recovery in his head had come the memories of that night and that's a little trickier to deal with. He's managed to fake his way through the motions--he's become a master of slowing his breathing and pretending to be asleep until he can sense Kate drift off next to him because otherwise, he knows she'd just worry. He doesn't want her to worry. He just wants to be okay. It wasn't going to happen right away, he knows that, but nobody's been able to give him a solid time frame for when he's going to stop hurting or when he's going to stop thinking that every noise he hears from another room is that junkie back to finish the job, even though he knows the chances of that are incredibly slim, especially considering that Derek and Helen had taken care of the guy themselves.

"It's just going to take some time" is the generic answer he gets, from doctors and friends alike, and Newt's starting to question whether any of them actually know what they're talking about. They're not going through what he is, after all, right? How could they possibly know, how could they possibly understand what it's like? He's never lived with this kind of fear, never, he's never felt like there's anything holding him back and now he's finding that sometimes he's afraid of his own shadow. He's been doing well enough hiding it, he thinks. He still smiles and laughs at jokes and tells his own and people seem pretty convinced that he's moving on just fine. And it's not like he doesn't think he'll jump over this hurdle, he knows he will because he has to, there's no other option; he just doesn't know how long it's going to take and that uncertainty only contributes to his frustration.

He's in the bedroom now, even though it's just barely seven and he'd left Kate in the other room under the guise of needing a nap. He had tried, he's been trying for the last half hour, but it's just not happening. So he sits back up with a heavy sigh and blindly reaches for his crutches. It's taking less and less effort to getting them in the right place, which he's told is good, very good, it means he's healing the way he's supposed to and he should be happy. Happy. What makes him happy now is knowing that his friends are still there, that Kate is still there, and he hates the idea of being a burden to them even though he's pretty sure they'd all smack him in the head for even thinking that. He just can't seem to help it sometimes. Even so, he'd rather be next to her than be alone in here and he hasn't even had a proper conversation about her day since she'd gotten home from work. It takes a little bit of a struggle, but he ventures back out to the living room where she's got her feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Hey," he greets with a small smile, "anything exciting going on?"

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It's weird that he's gone into the bedroom so early, but there's a part of her that's almost grateful for it, even if she kind of hates herself for even thinking that when she'd spent so many evenings here alone wishing that he was out of the hospital. After talking to Mindy, though, she's kind of needed some time to think about what she's going to do, because even with all the advice in the world she still has to make the final decision and that's a lot of pressure. It hasn't been that long since Newt was in the hospital, it's been even less time since he's gotten back to being himself and even now she knows he's not quite there. Not because he's still missing memories or knowledge, not because any of that remains buried, but because what happened to him is still there at least a little. It's hanging on, which she understands, she totally gets it. Esther had hung onto her for a long time, the memory of that girl coming at her with a knife, and the casket hangs on still.

She gets it.

But she's been distracted from it and she hates that, too. She wishes she could focus more on him and on what's going on, but all she's been able to think about is what's going on with her and whether or not she should tell him before she takes the test. If she just takes the test and discovers she's not pregnant, then it's fine, then no one has anything to worry about except she's not sure how he might feel about that. They've never talked about having kids and while Kate's still sure she doesn't want that any time soon -- or ever -- she doesn't know how Newt feels, which she thinks means she should tell him.

When he comes into the room, she looks up, startled out of her thoughts, and she still has no idea what she's going to do.

"Y'know," she says, gesturing at the TV she hasn't been paying the slightest bit of attention to. "Some serious drama going on with... whatever the hell I'm watching right now, I don't even know."

He tilts his head at her, staring blankly for a moment because she seems distracted, like she's got something on her mind, and he suddenly feels bad for interrupting her if she'd been enjoying the alone time. It's not like he thinks she feels trapped here or anything now that they officially live together--and wow, they officially fucking live together, that's something else entirely--because he knows she's still got an open invitation to go back to the apartment upstairs whenever she wants. He just doesn't want to be selfish here, doesn't want to make his problems her problems because she's already had to deal with enough of the bullshit that's come out of That Night already. He can't call it anything else but That Night now, it's become strangely difficult to even say out loud what had happened to him. It had come easily enough at first, talking about it, talking about the fact that he'd been... hurt; but over the past few weeks, it's like he's convinced himself that if he stops admitting it, maybe he'll stop being afraid of it. The strategy hasn't worked yet.

He limps over to her, and he's getting better at handling the crutches and balancing the right amount of weight so that his injured side doesn't bear too much, but it's the sitting down and getting up parts that are always the hardest. He moves on crutch to his other hand so he can have leverage as he lowers himself down to the couch and by the time he's settled down next to her, he's out of breath. He hates that, it makes him feel so goddamn pathetic, but he's grateful that Kate has stopped asking if he needs help. He doesn't need help, he just needs this shit to be over.

He glances up at the TV and frowns when he sees it's a sitcom, something Friends-y but not quite the same, nothing even close to serious drama. "Right." He wonders if something's wrong and if there is, he wants her to tell him about it because he suspects the only reason she wouldn't tell him is because she doesn't want to get him worked up or whatever. It shouldn't matter, though. She's his girlfriend, he loves her, he wants to be there for her no matter what, no matter how he's feeling. He reaches over to take her hand, squeezing it gently. "You okay?"

That's her opening and she knows it. Not that she needs one, of course, she knows she can talk to him whenever she wants, that he'll listen to her no matter what sort of shitty thing she has to say and that's part of why she doesn't want to lay this on him right now. Even with all the stuff he's dealing with, she knows he'll put a lot of it aside, as much as he can, and give her all his focus when she can't even do the same for him right now and she knows she's totally selfish a lot of the time, but this really takes the goddamn cake as far as she's concerned. He's been stabbed and his head was pretty muddled for awhile there, but she's just sitting here freaking out about something that might not even be a thing at all.

Tipping her head back to rest against the couch, she looks over at him and smiles faintly, because even with as panicked as she's feeling, he's still here with her. That's something of a comfort. No matter how this all turns out, he's not just going to ditch her even if he does freak out a little bit. She squeezes his hand, then draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She has to tell him. Even if it would be easier for the both of them if she just takes the test on her own and deals with it by herself, she knows she has to tell him. He would want her to.

"Yeah," she says. "I mean... yeah, but sort of not. I have to tell you something and it might not even be a thing, but it also sort of might be a thing and I could probably just deal with it on my own, but I feel like maybe that's not fair and that I should tell you anyway." And she realizes she's been rambling a little all without actually saying anything at all, so she stops herself, looks down at their hands and tries again. "Remember when we... sort of didn't use a condom?" There's not really any sort of about it. She'd gotten impatient and convinced him it wasn't necessary and he hadn't been in the best state to disagree with her. She realizes this is all her fault and that she's a total dick, but it's not like she can take it back now.

He's relieved that she admits there's a thing, even if it doesn't sound great so far, because at least that means she's not going to treat him like he's fragile, like he's made of glass and will shatter at any sign of anything less than perfection. He's hardly a stranger to shitty situations, he'd lived through a decade of them before he'd come to Darrow and even though he tends to be wildly optimistic in terms of things working out favorably for himself, it's not like he lives in a fantasy world. The wheels are still turning, people's lives are still continuing, time hasn't stopped just because he's dealing with shit that he's desperate to get rid of. If Kate's got a thing, he'll help her with that thing if he can, if he'd even be of any use.

It's when she brings up the lack of condom that his eyes kind of glaze over and there's a ringing in his ears that's sudden and deafening, like he's been in an explosion without the boom. He's staring at her moving lips but he has no idea what she's saying but then again, he has every idea of what she's saying. Why else would she want to discuss it? He'd been a completely fucking idiot, he'd been the one to say that it wasn't important and they wouldn't need one and Christ, is it seriously coming back to bite them both in the ass now? He takes a deep breath and just as quickly as the ringing had started, it stops. He has to be level-headed about this right now, he can't freak out because Kate needs him to not be a dick and freak out. He reminds himself that she's known about this longer than he has, she's had more time to be nervous about he has, and he brings her palm to his lips for a kiss.

He realizes he hasn't actually answered her question yet so he clears his throat, nodding. "Okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah." He cringes at himself, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek because if he says yeah one more time, he wouldn't even blame Kate if she slapped sense into him. He's got his brains back to full working order, after all, he should be able to at least find something better to say. "So you're saying that you're-- I Mean, you might be-- Are you-- Are you pregnant?" Christ, it feels so weird to say that word because it's the last thing he would have expected especially after everything else that's been going on. He hadn't even considered this could be an issue because they've always been so good at using condoms, have never failed except for the one time, the one time he hadn't even let cross his radar because it had happened while he'd been... different. "If you are, we'll, y'know, we'll totally figure this out. It's fine, we'll figure it out, okay? I'm not going anywhere, we're in it together."

It's not like she thinks he'll be a dick about it and just demand she get out of his apartment if it turns out she is pregnant, that's why she's telling him at all, but she can't help the way relief washes over her when he says they're in it together. Newt's an amazing guy, she's known that pretty much from the second she met him, but sometimes she can't help but let past experiences influence how she thinks some situations might turn out and she knows for a fact how this would have gone with other guys. It's why she let T get her the morning after pill from the clinic when she'd been sleeping with Ben. If she'd told him she wanted to use a condom or that she was afraid of getting pregnant, he would have blown her off right there and she realizes now having that idiot blow her off would have been the best thing for her, but at the time she'd been terrified of it. Newt's not like that, he could never be like that, but even knowing that doesn't make her any less grateful to hear him actually say those words.

"I don't know yet," she admits, chewing the inside of her lip. "I mean, my period's pretty late, but that could still be stress and the lack of eating. I sort of just... I shut down when you were in the coma. I only ate because Helen showed up with food and that's a lot of stress for a person, right? I mean, stress can make a woman totally skip her period so maybe it's just all that stuff and what it did to me." It feels like such a stretch, but it's the one thing she's praying to be true and she knows the best way to know for sure is to just take the test, but there's something really scary about that. One way or the other, she'll know for sure and if she is she'll have to deal with the consequences of her seriously stupid actions.

Kate's always wanted to avoid becoming her mother and yet here she is, potentially pregnant at twenty, only a year older than Tara was when she'd had Kate.

"I couldn't decide if I should take the test by myself or if I should tell you," she admits, her voice hushed. "So... now I've told you. I should take a test." It's still scary, it's still something she would much rather avoid, but being able to have Newt hold her hand while they wait for the results makes it just a little bit easier and maybe that makes her a dick, too, but being able to share the pressure is just something she'd needed without even realizing it. "I have to work tomorrow, but I can go buy one after work. Then we'll... then we'll know for sure."

He feels a flash of guilt at hearing that, of being told that she hadn't taken care of herself while he'd been out of commission. He hates thinking that she'd shut down because of him, even if he knows he'd have done the same if it had been her lying in that hospital bed with no way of knowing for sure whether she'd ever wake up again. He couldn't be there for her then; he has absolutely no intention of not being there for her now. Besides, it's true that the majority of the stress of this is on her shoulders but hell, he's also a potential parents here. That thought is fucking terrifying, it puts the fear of something in him, and he can feel his chest tightening as he looks around the room and tries to imagine having to childproof it. Fucking disaster, is what it would be, and he pushes the panic of knowing he'd be a terrible parents away because that's not what Kate needs to hear, not now when they aren't even sure yet if it's true.

In a perfect world, this will be a false alarm and they can go back to business as usual. Of course, for Newt right now, business as usual involves a hell of a lot of internal turmoil so maybe he doesn't really want that at all. The pregnancy thing, he could definitely do without that. Well, if Kate would want to do without it. It's not like he can bail if she has a baby, and he wouldn't want to--even a terrifying miniature human couldn't make him leave--it's just that he's never been particularly good with kids, more awkward than anything else, and he can't wrap his head around that thing people say about how it's different when it's your own kid. Probably because he doesn't have his own kid; he'd kind of always just assumed it would stay that way. A lot has changed about what he'd thought his life would be like, though, and this is one hell of a way for the world to throw another curve ball at them.

Still, he needs to be better at this for her. He needs her to know that he's in this 100% no matter what. So he smooths a strand of hair behind her ear before making sure she's looking him in the eyes when he tells her, "You're not alone, I know you know that, and I know you know how much I love you. If you want me to sit on the floor next to you and hold your hand while you take that test, I'll totally do it." The corners of his lips turn up a little and he nudges her softly with his elbow. "Whatever happens, we'll handle it. We're like, Team Awesome, okay? Casket and a coma couldn't even take you and me down, possible pregnancy's got nothing on us."

Possible pregnancy is one thing, she thinks he's right, they can totally handle this part, but the problem with a possible pregnancy is that it's possible it'll turn into an actual pregnancy and she's way less convinced of their ability to take that on. Not that she thinks he's not capable, she's pretty sure he can take on absolutely anything and come out on top, but she's way less sure about herself. They've never once talked about the idea of having kids and Kate's just never thought about it because it's not something she wants. The idea that Newt might want it has never once entered her mind, but now that this is a thing that's happening, she has to at least consider it.

And she has to consider what that might mean for the two of them. If he wants children, if he's expecting her to have babies one day down the line and she doesn't want to, that's kind of a huge thing. People break up over way less than that and while the thought of not being with him makes her feel like she can't breathe, she knows better than to think something so huge wouldn't cause problems down the road. Marriage and kids, people feel pretty strongly about those things a lot of the time and while she doesn't have a huge issue with marriage, the kids thing just freaks her right out.

She needs to ask that of him. She needs to get up enough courage to ask that hard question, but the only thing she manages is a laugh that comes out sounding sort of like a strangled wheeze more than anything else. "I don't want to get fat," she says on an exhale, then laughs again, even though it's true. She's never censored herself about him before, she doesn't think this is the best time to start.

He has to laugh at that admission because even she's kind of joking, he's pretty sure that she's not really joking. "But then it could kind of be like you actually ate a baby," he teases, and he knows this isn't really a knee-slapping situation they're in but it's kind of the only way he knows how to deal with the serious shit. It's why he'll keep saying he's fine even when he's not, even when lately he's been feeling like he's drowning in the pain; eventually, it should be convincing enough. At least, that's his newest theory, and he's a man of science so every hypothesis must be put to the test whether or not it seems valid.

He knows there's something in desperate need of discussing here, though, something they've never even thought to talk about because as he had quietly assumed, it just wasn't ever going to happen. His eyes focus on the television, on the show and the words that he's not processing because there's little to nothing that could take much precedent right now. If he's honest with himself, he knows that he doesn't want kids. He can't see himself wanting kids. He has a hell of a time as it is taking care of himself at thirty-six and he's still guilty of being on a shitty sleeping and eating and general self-care schedule once in awhile. He'd always just assumed Kate would feel the same way but maybe that was a mistake. Maybe it's different once a pregnancy is real. He has no fucking clue.

"I, uh..." He has to clear his throat to buy himself time, not even sure of how to begin to approach this conversation. He's a smart guy--he's never been shy to admit it--but he's kind of at a loss for this kind of thing. Life aspirations had always been being known for his work, being the best at his work, being the biggest rock star in his field. Babies? The word alone shoots an involuntary shudder through him and he hopes Kate doesn't notice it. "If it's, y'know, if it becomes a thing, what do you-- Y'know. What do you want to do?"

The question itself causes her to panic a little, her heart suddenly beating heavy and hard behind her ribs and she has to take a few deep breaths before she's even capable of thinking of an answer. Her whole life, she's always been really casual with the idea of protection and pregnancy, she's always been sure if she got pregnant by accident, she'd have an abortion, no questions asked. But now, with the idea of it maybe being a reality, she's not so sure anymore. Being a mother isn't something she wants, she's sure of that, especially right now. She's way too young for it and even if she wasn't, even if she was thirty instead of twenty, she's pretty sure it wouldn't seem any more appealing.

But there's a big difference between casually thinking she'd get an abortion and actually having to consider it. Especially since this isn't just happening with some random dude, this is Newt. She'd had no idea how big a decision it could be and the fact that this is someone she loves instead of some stupid mistake she's made changes a lot of things. It certainly changes the ease with which she's willing to commit to just getting rid of a potential baby, not because she wants it, but because it would be a part of him.

"I'm not ready to be someone's mother," she says finally, when she thinks she might be done panicking. Her heart is still beating way too quickly and her skin feels suddenly clammy and her voice is shaking when she speaks, but she's sure of what she's saying. "Not now, probably not ever, but... I don't know. I mean, what would you want?" She's sort of answered him and sort of not, but she wants to hear his thoughts before she says anything else.

He watches with wide eyes as she breathes in and out, feeling guilty as hell that he would have caused a reaction like that in here because that's so not what he wanted to do. This is why he'd never had conversations like this with anyone ever, it's been blissful ignorance up until this point because baby-making hasn't been a priority for him for even a second in his life. He can say the same about marriage, about settling down, even though that's definitely changed since meeting Kate. This other thing, though, this being responsible for a tiny person's life thing? It's scarier than coming face-to-face with a kaiju, scarier than getting robbed in an alley, it's a forever thing.

He's not sure if he should feel like a dick or not when the relief washes over him at hearing she isn't ready for parenthood. It's exactly what he'd wanted to hear even if at the same time, he'd been taking the past minute--one minute, all it takes for an entire life to change--to gear up to reassure that he'll support her no matter what she wants. He tilts her chin up so their eyes meet and offers her a small smile. "I'm not ready," he tells her, echoing her words. "I-- Even if I wasn't, if you decided you wanted to, I'd be there every step of the way, y'know? Of course, obviously. But I'll be honest, it's never been something I wanted."

He doesn't know if he's making any sense, his brain is clouded by something completely different than what had been shadowing it after he'd woken up from his coma. He hopes he doesn't sound like a prick, he hopes he doesn't sound selfish because ultimately, he wants her to be happy. He wants to be happy with her.

"Me neither," she says on an exhale, surprised by just how relieved she is that he's saying being a father isn't something he's interested in. Although things between them have moved pretty quickly, they've never had this talk, she's never considered the fact that they should have, because for as much as she loves him and knows she wants to be with him, four months of dating isn't long enough to have to consider having a baby talk. And she realizes now how stupid she'd been, thinking everything would just work out fine without the two of them ever talking about something so huge. So it's a relief, knowing they're on the same page, even if this probably isn't the best way for them to discover that, but it's scary, too, because that kind of makes the decision for them. If neither of them want to be parents, then that's it. There's not much of a discussion left and that's okay, she'd rather not have to fight about something this huge, but it's just scary.

"So that means... if I am pregnant..." And Kate, who's never had trouble saying a thing in her entire life, is having a rough time getting this out and she doesn't understand why. They've both just said they don't want to be parents and she's sure of her decision, she doesn't want to have a kid at all, but it's still so different to have to actually say it. She has to be an adult, though, she has to own up to her mistakes and accept the consequences, even if she's always hated having to do so. All her life, she's been great at avoiding consequences, blaming the stupid shit she's done on her mother, using her mental illness as a reason to act out, but she can't keep doing that. She wanted to make her own problems and now she has. Now she has to deal with it.

"If I am pregnant, we won't have it," she says, meeting his gaze and holding it when she says the words. "And that's okay? You'll still..." She's not sure what she's asking him, really, just that she wants to be sure his feelings for her won't change if she goes through with terminating a pregnancy. She doesn't understand half of what she's thinking and feeling right now, only that there's an awful lot of stuff just bubbling to the surface and a lot of it's deeply rooted in fears she's been pushing down for most of her life.

He's quiet for what feels like forever even to himself. Saying it out loud, saying they aren't going to have this kid if it actually exists, it just feels weird. They're in agreement, neither of them want to be having babies right now or possibly even ever, which is really fucking good to know considering he's bought a ring for her and he feels so stupid now for not asking her all this important stuff first. It doesn't make his love for her waver, it doesn't even make him want to marry her any less, but it does give him a little bit of pause because there's so much that goes into a relationship that he hadn't even thought to really touch on because he's never gotten this far into one. What happens if next year, in two years, in ten years, she changes her mind and he doesn't? Or vice versa? He hates thinking like that because there's never a way to tell what's going to happen, especially when it's that far into the future, but sometimes shit happens. Sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes people get pregnant. So what happens if they stop being on the same page?

He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he mentally kicks himself for being too fucking actually stupid to use a condom, and he knows neither of them had really mind in their best of minds that night but Christ, maybe if he'd gotten better faster this wouldn't even be an issue. But she's waiting for an answer now, to a question she hasn't quite finished even if he's pretty sure he knows how it ends. "I'll still love you," he promises, and he keeps his voice steady because even if it's scary as hell to be talking about this right now, that's something he knows will remain unchanged. "I'm always going to love you, that's not even-- Nothing's going to change that."

She's always been there to support him, through every nightmare and every nosebleed and every shitty thing that's happened to him since he's been here. The thing about it is, the bad can't even compare to all the good he has in his life, to the pure fucking joy she brings him every day. It's the very least he can do to hold her hand through this, to reassure that nothing between them is going to change because they have to make a hard decision. "I know this is really fucking scary," he says, giving her a shaky smile, "and I know because I'm like, internally screaming right now so I can't even imagine how you must feel. But I promise, I'll be there for you. We'll be there for each other, every step of the way, right? Through anything and everything."

She hadn't even realized she'd been asking that question until he answers it, until he says he'll still love her, and she feels her shoulder sag a little, even though she's sort of embarrassed she'd been thinking that at all. They're on the same page when it comes to pretty much everything else and he's never given her a single reason to doubt him, but it's not like she's had a whole bunch of nice guys in her life and she's not sure how many of them would have said any of the things he's saying now had she put them in the same position. It's stupid to expect the same behaviour out of him and it's not that, it's not that she expects it, but if she's asking that question, then she has to at least admit that she's been afraid of it. She's afraid of losing him.

"I'm sorry," she says, because she doesn't want him to think she doubts him. If pressed, she won't know how to explain it at all, only that she's never been anywhere like this, she's never had to think about these things and the thought that her own stupidity might cause her to lose him makes her feel sick. Tentatively, she reaches for his hand, needing some kind of contact with him right now. This whole thing has made her feel way more vulnerable than she likes, but she still thinks she made the right decision in telling him. Maybe it sucks that now the two of them have to worry until tomorrow when she can get her hands on a test and they can know for sure one way or the other, but she still thinks it was right. She thinks he deserves to know and his opinion here is just as valid as hers.

She's just really grateful for the fact that neither of them are ready for this.

"Through everything," she agrees and it sounds a lot like a promise, but she's okay with that. She thinks it's the sort of thing she can say to him because she means it and when he says it, she believes him, too. She draws in a deep breath, then lets it out, surprised by how shaky she still sounds. "This was the right thing to do, right?" she asks suddenly, because she thinks it was, but maybe he'll disagree with her. "Telling you? I talked to Mindy first, I didn't know if I should or not, it was kind of freaking me out, but... this was right. Wasn't it?"

He doesn't know why she's apologizing. If anything, he should be the one saying he's sorry because this is his fault, he'd been the sober one that night and he should have-- he should have known better. It's just another way he's made her life more difficult since the Thing had happened, and it feels like it's eating him from the inside out. Each day serves as another reminder of how much further this extends than just a physical injury. He hates that she has to to ask if telling him had been the right thing to do even though he's been wondering all the time if telling her just how fucking deeply he's being affected by the Thing is the right thing to do; he hates that she has anything like this to tell him at all, he hates that this is happening, but none of that is relevant because what's important for him right now is to do what she's been doing for him since he'd woken up. He needs to return the favor and make sure she knows that he'll be here for her when she needs him.

"Okay," he starts, his voice hoarse because his throat feels so goddamn dry, "first of all? You don't have anything to apologize for, not a single thing. Second, it was definitely the right thing to do. I'm glad I know, even if it's hard, even if it's scary. You know why, right?" He squeezes her hand tightly, shifts so he's even closer to her and tugs her toward him so she's resting her head on his shoulder. "I love you so much. More than anyone, more than anything and at first that scared me, too." He tilts her chin up so she's looking at him and gives her a soft smile. "It doesn't scare me anymore, hasn't for a long time now. You can tell me anything, anytime, no matter what it is or what's going on with me, you can tell me anything."

Kate's done a lot of bad shit in her life; she's treated a lot of people pretty poorly, she's been a bad daughter and a bad friend, a worse sister and a pretty terrible girlfriend to some people. She's not a big believer in karma, but she's also never thought she really deserves someone who's as good to her as Newt is and when he tugs her closer, when she's resting against him, she wraps her fingers in the front of his shirt, just holding onto him for a moment because whether or not she deserves him, somehow things have worked out and he's here, he loves her, and even with all the shitty things she's done in her life, she's still been given something pretty fucking spectacular. She's chewing on her lower lip when he tips her chin up and she smiles back at him, then relaxes her hand against his chest.

"You know that goes both ways, right?" she asks, because she knows he's not having a super easy time with this whole recovery thing and it's not like she blames him. The casket was bad enough, but somehow Esther was worse, and she remembers having dreams of that girl coming out of the dark at her, a knife in her hand. She remembers clearly how scary that was for months after, even if she never told anyone, even if she just shoved it down and pretended it didn't happen, but she hadn't had anyone like Newt then. There hadn't been anyone for her to talk to about it and she thinks if he'd been there, if she'd known him at that time, maybe it would have been different. And she wants him to tell her stuff, too, she wants to be able to help him, even if all he needs is for her to sit there and listen.

"All of it," she clarifies, still holding his gaze, her hand still resting against his chest. Faintly, under his shirt, she can feel his heart beating and she taps her fingers lightly against him in time with the beats. "The whole shebang. I'd do freaking anything for you, even if it just means doing nothing."

He searches her eyes for a long moment, not because he's looking for something to confirm that what she's saying is sincere but because he doesn't know if he's got the strength to talk about it. He wants to tell her, knows that she wants to know and that she should know because not telling her and saying everything's fine every day is lying by omission and he doesn't want to lie to her; but it had been bad enough that she'd had to find out about the hivemind in his head, he doesn't want her to have to share this burden with him, too. All of his fears are in his head, he knows his attacker isn't hiding in the shadows of the apartment and he knows this because Derek and Helen had ensured the guy got his. He has the ring, the junkie had been found, and he's healing. Everything should be fine, he should be able to get over this and even though he knows that's just not how it works, he still wishes he could be better. Stronger. If not for himself then for his girlfriend who really needs him right now.

"I know," he finally says, forcing a smile and nodding. "I do, I'd do anything for you, too. I'm okay, I just, y'know. There's stuff, I-- Sometimes it's hard to sleep." It's hard to sleep but sometimes it's just as hard to be awake. "I'll get over it, just need a little bit of time, right? Just a little bit of time." That's a promise she can't make, of course, nor is Newt particularly convinced of it as of right now, but it's all he can grasp onto without having to think about the fact that he might very well be permanently damaged by this--and not only by the physical scar.

"We've got more important things to think about right now, though," he says. He needs the subject to change, he can't dwell on it for fear of shutting down right in front of her and what use would he be then? "Let's focus on getting that test done tomorrow and we can worry about everything else later. Except not because there's totally nothing to worry about, okay?"

"I'm not... I won't make you, because hello, it's not like I'm big on babbling about my shitty feelings," she says, waving a hand with a bit of a laugh. Even bringing this entire thing up with him has been hard enough, she doesn't think she can ever find the words to tell anyone how scary it had been to be put in a body bag and then into a casket. To hear a paramedic tell Chris they were going to have to call it. Standing alone in the dark in the jungle with a gun she'd never used before, knowing Danny was behind her somewhere, bleeding to death on the jungle floor, jumping at every noise, thinking every cracking twig might be the end of her life. She doesn't talk about any of that because she doesn't know how and she doesn't want to put that on anyone else, so she gets it. But she wants him to know he can, too, if he can be better at it than she is. If he needs to.

"I'm just saying, if you need to, I'm not... I can handle it," she says, then glances down at herself when he says they have more important things to worry about. Her shoulders lift in something that's caught somewhere between a shrug and a laugh before she lets out a long sigh. It's still scary, but they've made a decision and even though it still feels weird to think it might even be a possibility, she's seriously relieved they're on the same page.

"I guess... I'll pick one up on my way home from work," she decides, still looking down at herself, trying to imagine what it might be like if the test is positive. It won't matter, they're not going forward with it, but she can't seem to help herself, can't seem to stop imagining how many things would change. "We can get it done tomorrow and then figure stuff out from there."

It's easier to pretend that she wouldn't want to know anyway. She would never make him talk about it if he doesn't want to and she says she can handle it and he knows both those things are true but it doesn't seem fair to use her as his own personal dumping ground for problems that can't just be solved by talking it out. It's not like he's afraid she'll think less of him, she's proven that with the way she's been there for him through the nightmares, the nosebleeds, those things that had seemed like the worst thing that could happen to him in Darrow because he's otherwise so untouchable. He's quickly realizing that he's not, though. Getting hit by that car had bee nothing, it had been whatever, no long-term harm done. This, though, this is a different story; and if Kate's pregnant and they do what they've agreed to do, she's not going to need him feeling sorry for himself.

"Can't wait," he says dryly, though a smile plays at his lips. Difficult a situation as this is, he has every intention on being there for her every step of the way because it's the least he can do, to hold her hand while they wait for the results, wait to see what might be waiting for them in the future. It's actually a hell of a lot better than focusing on what he's had his mind on lately and okay, maybe better isn't the right word for it but it's a change and he's been desperate for a change. This isn't quite what he'd been picturing, of course, but at least he can make more of a concentrated effort to offer her his undivided attention. "It's going to be fine, either way. We'll be fine, we can make it through anything as long as we're together."

What they'd gotten up to on Mardi Gras, despite the unfortunate consequences now, has at least mostly convinced Kate she doesn't need to be so careful with him and so she slips her arms around him, pressing closer to him on the couch so she can rest her head against his shoulder. It's stupid, he hasn't given her any reason in the world to doubt him, and yet for a few moments before telling him -- and a few moments after -- she'd been worried that he'd be angry with her, that he'd ask her to leave for awhile, maybe that he might even not want her around at all. It's nothing he's ever done to make her think that, but the sudden realization that she lives here now, she's totally in this relationship to the point where she thinks about the future and she always factors him into it, almost without thinking, and the idea of having it taken away from her is scarier than she wants to admit, even to herself.

But he says those words -- as long as we're together -- and she feels a big chunk of that fear just let go. It's not like she's excited about the next twenty-four hours, worrying about the result, waiting to get off work so she can buy the test, but knowing he'll be there through it makes it all a little easier.

"You're a good guy," she say, tipping her head against his shoulder so she can look up at him. "Like, a really good guy." She hasn't had a lot of those, it's a pretty big compliment coming from her and she doesn't think he has any way of knowing that, but she hopes he understands it all the same.

It's a little strange because he realizes in this moment that 'a good guy' isn't really something he would have ever labeled himself before coming to Darrow. Being a good guy hadn't really been a priority in a world where kaiju attacks happened often enough that they'd been able to give a rough estimate on when the next one would occur; being a good guy hadn't mattered when it came to trying to figure out how to save the world or drifting with a kaiju or trying to negotiate with a crime lord. It's important here, though, it's important go be a good guy for her because the fact that there had been a part of her worried about the way he'd react is in itself an indication that she hasn't really been with a lot of good guys and even though he's glad he can be that for her now, he knows she's deserved so much better for so long.

"You make me a really good guy," he tells her, smiling down at her, and he means it because she doesn't just make him want to be good for her, she makes him want to be the best. He wants to be the best for the only person he wants to be with, the only person he's ever loved this much, and he thinks some of the time, he does a pretty good job of not failing at that. She can't possibly understand just how much she has changed him and there's no lie in him telling her that he'll be there through anything. He owes so much of his happiness in this goddamn city to her, she's the one who's made it livable and she's the one who's made him believe that he can still be content even if they don't ever make it out. As long as she's here, he can deal. He can deal with living in Darrow, he can deal with a possible pregnancy, he can deal with... with getting stabbed.

He bites down hard on his lip as he holds her tighter to him, willing himself to never forget how to be that good guy for her. "You make it easier," he tells her, lacing his fingers through hers. "Everything, all of this. I want to do that for you. No matter what the result of that test is tomorrow, at the end of the day, I'm still going to love you and I'm still going to be here to hug you and hold your hand and listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk about. Because I love you and there's nothing that could scare me away."

Most days, Kate doesn't have a problem with finding something to say. Even if the words she settles on aren't the right words, she can still usually find something to say and she's generally not too concerned about finding the right thing when all that matters is that she has a response. Over the years with her parents and the alters, she's just gotten used to snapping back as quickly as possible because any sort of delay, any pause to work out what she's thinking, some of the alters would have jumped on that as a weakness, and she's just carried that over into the rest of her life.

But a lot of the time with Newt, she feels like she's run out of words. For someone who always has something to say, she's just got nothing and normally it would make her uncomfortable to be stripped of the one defense she's always had, but it doesn't matter quite so much here. Because she thing is, she believes him. She doesn't trust a lot of people, she doesn't count on anyone to be around all the time except for him. He's turned out to be the exception to a whole lot of things she's thought and felt for most of her life.

Arching up, she presses a kiss against his mouth, because she's still petrified, but she feels better having talked to him. "I love you, too," she says, then draws in a deep, steadying breath before she nods. "Okay, plan made. We'll get this shit figured out tomorrow." And whatever happens, she completely believes him; they'll figure it out and he'll be there.

They sit there together for a moment, ignoring the buzz of whatever's on the TV and just taking comfort in each other's company, in each other's touch. The hard part's not over, not by any means, but at least they've come to a conclusion; at least they know they're on the same page about something that's kind of crazy important when it comes to synchronicity in a relationship. A part of him wants to just casually ask her what her honest-to-god thoughts on marriage are because he knows his own had been practically non-existent before being with her. She's had to deal with so much, between her mother's condition and the assholes in her life and being separated from her family for so long, he just wants to make her happy. Getting married doesn't equate to being happy for a lot of people, maybe, but he thinks it could work for them.

The problem is, he has no idea when a good time to ask someone to marry him would be, how long he should wait, whether he should even ask at all. Definitely not now, he may have had some head issues but he's thinking clearly today and asking Kate to marry him after she's just told him she might be pregnant seems like the opposite of a good idea. He has the ring locked up in his desk at the lab, figuring it's safer than having her accidentally find it at home. Also safer than carrying it around on him at all times, apparently, but he's gone like a full two minutes without thinking about that shit so he really doesn't want to start again.

"So what do we do now?" he asks with a quiet laugh, and it's not really fair to ask her that because she's the one who might have a gross baby in her right now and recently, he knows he's been putting pressure on her even though he doesn't mean to do it. It's just a question, but it's kind of loaded. Where do they go from here?

That's not the sort of question she thinks she has an answer to and she laughs without much humour, lifting her shoulders in a deep shrug. It's like she's somehow both completely wired and totally exhausted at the same time and there's a part of her that wants to get up and do something, keep herself busy, but there's another part that really just wants to lie down and go to sleep and maybe forget any of this has ever happened. That's not possible, she knows she'll have to wake up tomorrow and go to work and spend the entire day worrying about it until she can get back home to Newt, but she sort of wants to push that all aside and leave it until tomorrow. There's no avoiding it totally, but for the next few hours she thinks she can try to just forget it. She's always been pretty good at compartmentalizing in her own way.

Their activities are still kind of limited, given that Newt's not exactly up for heading out and wandering around in the melting snow and doing something totally random like going to that arcade she passes by on her way to work is probably out of the question, too, even though she's been meaning to ask him to go with her at some point. And she knows the question is probably bigger than that, that he's not just asking what they do right now, but it's all she has the mental energy for. The aftermath, whatever it is, that's another tomorrow thing. As long as he's not going to bail and as long as she's not going to freak out to the point of shutting herself off from him -- which she feels pretty confident she's not -- then she's okay with waiting until they get the results before going ahead with figuring out anything else.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" she asks, looking up at him. "Just... I don't know, something chill. Something normal. I need to totally forget any of this shit is something we're worried about for a little while because tomorrow is just going to be this absolute shitstorm of feelings all day and I think I need to like, prepare for that. Have a night to gather my mental forces."

He hadn't meant for the question to put a bigger weight on her shoulders and now he feels like a dick because that's what it seems like. He'd done it to himself, too, and the can of worms is open now. Every move they make between now and tomorrow suddenly seems like it's going to be so insignificant. How can he get up in the morning and not feel so nervous that he's sick every thirty seconds that he remembers what the evening will bring? Even now, trying to act like everything's going to be totally cool is nearly impossible, especially when things are very much not cool with him just in general. He's never really had trouble overlooking the downsides of any given situation before because he's always been too confident in himself, in his ability to overcome anything, to do that.

It's a little different when he's pathetically limping around the apartment, the fear of nightmares and seeing his attacker around every corner and pain looming over him like a dark cloud that could start pouring over him at any time. He's trying, he really is, and this makes him want to try harder to be stronger and better and all the things he needs to be to make it through the day. It's a caveat in any relationship, to help carry each other when things get rough, and he's got no intention of using what happened to him as an excuse to let her deal with this herself; he just needs to figure out a good balance.

"Movie's good," he answers quietly, nodding a little. "Comedy, maybe?" Comedy because he doesn't think he has much energy to do much else than try to laugh, even if he has to fake it, even if it's not all too funny. "Or whatever you want. Anything, you just tell me what you want and I'll make it happen."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

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