sciencesaggressively

Today's the day. It's a big day, one Newt had cleared his schedule for because the last time he'd done something like this, the Crentists had fucked him up--and on his goddamn birthday, no less. Admittedly, that'd been poor planning on his part, which is why he'd totally be more conscientious about it this time around. Besides, he's pretty sure Chuck might try to kill him in a laughing gas-induced rage if Newt took him out in public after the fuckery they're about to endure.

Had he properly warned his best friend about the Crentists? About those frosty-tipped sons of bitches who are kind of creepy, kind of hilarious, neither of which Newt would really consider a good thing?

Nah.

In the end, they'd gotten the job done right, and Newt hasn't had problems with his teeth at all since his last visit. Granted, he's pretty sure getting gassed up isn't standard for a dental checkup, but he's also not a dentist so whatever. The objective of this visit is to get Chuck's tooth fixed, get Newt a checkup, and get the hell out of dodge. At least, they'll get out of dodge once Kate swings by to pick them up because if there's one thing Newt's sure of, it's that he and Chuck aren't leaving this office unscathed.

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Ooh, yeah, Chuck's going to kill him. Newt can feel the murder eyes glaring at him right now so he makes a concentrated effort not to look back, knowing exactly what he'll find. It's definitely not the first time he's gotten the look, it sure as hell won't be the last, but Newt is confident they can salvage this situation. Geoff might be kind of an idiot, but he's also not the actual dentist so Newt figures they can only go up from here.

Or maybe not, because Geoff turns to follow Chuck's gaze at the photo and nods with a little too much vigor. "Oh, yeah, I guess that's true! That was a great day, our third Grand Reopening!" Geoff's eyes widen a bit and he holds is hands up in front of him like he's ready to placate them. "Oh, don't worry, nothing was really wrong. It's just that one time, we got hit with those ice bees, right? And then there was the other New Year's Eve where all the animals went wild, I'll tell you what, you've never seen wild geese until you've seen what I did in here that night!"

For fuck's sake.

"Mmkay," Newt says, shifting from one foot to the other. He's already got a scar on one side of his stomach, he really does need a matching one from getting shanked by his angry best friend. "Maybe just like, we do our thing with the paperwork, you do your thing with the... whatever it is you do? Sound cool?"

"Totally cool," Geoff answers, and he's nodding again like his life depends on it. Newt wonders if he's ever given himself whiplash. "I'll just be right over there if you need me!"

Idly, Chuck wonders just how much time he can kill doing paperwork, or pretending to do paperwork, or some combination of the two. Putting it off won't really make that much difference, he's sure, but even so, this isn't something he's looking forward to, and a part of him half-hopes that maybe the Crentists will decide that this is too much trouble and ask them to reschedule or something. That would be a great way to get out of doing this, because then he just wouldn't have to come back.

Then he'd still have a chipped tooth, though, and therein lies the problem. There are other dentists, ones without frosted tips who are probably a little less terrifying, not to mention infuriating, but he has no way of knowing that. If he picked some random place he passed on the street, it could turn out to be even worse, and then he'd be stuck repeating this whole damn cycle.

Still, because all of this has him more frustrated than not, and because he can't resist the impulse to be kind of an asshole about it, he turns to Newt and stage whispers, just loudly enough that he's sure he'll be heard by whatever Crentists happen to be nearby, "Think it's too late to make a run for it?"

Newt risks a glance at Geoff, relieved to find that the guy apparently hadn't heard Chuck's super loud whisper--he might as well have yelled it--or is just ignoring, but the problem is that he's also whistling. Cheerfully, even. A fucking whistling frosty-tipped dentist's assistant, what kind of assclown even lives that kind of life?

"I'm kind of afraid they'll hunt us down with their dentist tools if we try," Newt answers, taking care to keep his voice a little lower than Chuck's. "Y'know, Kate and I went to this timeshare thing, and I'm pretty sure they were cannibals. No telling how many of them there are in the city. I mean, can we ever know for sure what dentists do with all the teeth they take?"

Chuck is about to say that he could absolutely take some dentist with their weird dentist tools in a fight, completely ignoring the fact that it was a fight that brought him here in the first place, though, really, chipped tooth aside, that guy at the bar didn't pose any kind of threat. Then Newt starts talking about cannibals and Chuck no longer has any idea what's going on. Comparatively speaking, maybe he didn't get such a bad deal being dragged here in the first place. He doesn't trust these creepy dentists for a second, but at least he's probably not going to get eaten here.

He hopes.

"I don't know how you get into half the shit you get into," he says, shaking his head. "Timeshares run by cannibals? Seriously? As part of, what, some cannibalistic plan?"

"I don't know, dude, maybe! We didn't know it was run by cannibals, we were just there for the free breakfast because we're geniuses."

To be fair, Newt doesn't think the timeshare people had actually been cannibals, it's just that they'd looked so shady. Those too white and too straight teeth will haunt his dreams for years to come, that's all he knows for sure, and he really can't remember how they'd landed on the cannibal thing in the first place but whatever. Those details aren't even important.

"You should come with us next time," Newt suggests, finishing his forms and signing his name before setting the clipboard down on the table in front of them. "I clearly recommend the best places, am I right?"

"Free breakfast... from cannibals," Chuck says, frowning deeply, half a question. "Did you ever stop to wonder what that breakfast might be?" He doesn't really think there's anything to it, of course. Chances are, the people involved weren't cannibals at all, and just said something offhand that could have been taken out of context as such. Then again,
if anyone could stumble upon some strange sort of gathering of cannibals, it would be Newt. He is entirely too good at finding trouble, and dubious places of business.

Glancing around the waiting room, he nods once to himself. This definitely counts as a dubious place of business.

"So, yeah, thanks but no thanks, I'll steer clear of the cannibalism. Don't want to wind up getting myself eaten, especially not if I'm going to put myself through this hell. What's the point otherwise?"

Of course they'd considered that, and Newt fixes Chuck with an affronted look because they're not stupid. Still... "It was bacon," he argues, shrugging a shoulder as if that explains everything. "What are we gonna do, not eat the bacon? Come on, man. 'Sides, I figure since I haven't had the craving for human flesh since then, we probably had it wrong, anyway."

Even if they'd been right, what's done is done. They're not cannibal fodder so whatever, everything's totally fine. Except for the victims, if there are any. R.I.P. them and hopefully, they hadn't been in the bacon.

"Anyway, suit yourself, I just thought free breakfast was the kind of allure everyone could appreciate."

The Crentist receptionist comes back toward them then, smiling way bigger than Newt's comfortable with, though he has to admit the guy's got a great set of teeth. "Okay! We're ready for you, Mr. Hansen, fixing up a chipped tooth today? And you're comin' right up, Mr. Geiszler, don't worry, we've got the gas all ready for you! Ha ha. Just kidding, it's just a tooth cleaning for you. But you can have the gas if you want it."

"...Yeah, I don't think that's how cannibalism works," Chuck says, expression growing only more dubious. He's never attempted eating a human to find out, but he'd be surprised if it caused any sort of craving or addiction for more human. That's just zombies, at least from what he can gather from his minimal pop culture knowledge. Then again, he doesn't have the first idea why he's thinking about this with any sort of seriousness. Timeshares and breakfasts offered by potential cannibals shouldn't be something he even has to think about. Neither should whatever the hell is going to happen to him during this dentist appointment, but that is, he supposes, what comes of being friends with Newt. Things are never dull, Chuck will give him that.

Eyeing whichever frosty-haired Crentist is in front of them now with some measure of skepticism, mouth pressed into a thin line, Chuck says, "None of that gas for me, got it?" He vaguely recalls seeing Newt loopy as all fuck once upon a time, and he however much he may enjoy a good, strong drink or several, he isn't looking to meet the same fate himself. A chipped tooth isn't the worst pain he's ever had, and neither will fixing it up be. "Not even a little bit."

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