Perhaps the most difficult thing about watching Newt parse through his thoughts is the fact that Sawyer can empathize. Almost wholly, he's pretty sure. Because he's watched his own life spiral out of control time and time again, and as hard as that had been at the time, it was infinitely worse once the chaos spread to the rest of the people he cared for. It was worse when the faces who disappeared and the lives that were extinguished were people Sawyer knew. People Sawyer would have picked to stay around longer than he'd managed to. A weight on his chest wouldn't be quite accurate — no, every better person who passed away before Sawyer did remains on his skin like an invisible brand. Rarely does Sawyer show any sign that he thinks about them at all; he walks straight, chin up, no weight on his shoulders like some of the cliches might have people believe. The mark is far less noticeable than that.
It's something that doesn't belong, and sometimes it wakes him in a jolt of fear, like looking into the reflection of a mirror and not recognizing who's on the other side.
There are days when Sawyer still isn't sure who he is, or where he's woken up. The world's never given him a great anchor, he thinks. Never one that he could hold to like a lifeline.
"There was a time when I felt that about everyone," he says quietly, trying his best to stop his hands from shaking, though a tremble escapes them here and there. "Like... there wasn't really a way to protect everyone at all times, so what was the damn point in gettin' to know anyone at all? People would disappear. If you were lucky, they'd disappear quietly, peacefully, in their sleep or some crap like that. But you're not gonna be lucky all the time. I lost my parents when I was a kid. Mom fell for a con man. Dad found out and shot her, then shot himself. And hell, the people I lost just as violently as that, I can't even count them on both hands."
Sawyer raises his hand, trying to rub at his forehead, though the shake of his fingers makes it hard to find purchase against his skin.
"I know you've seen shit that's a whole lot bigger than anything I did. But it kept happenin'. It was never all at once. You'd think that you'd seen the worst of it, and the next time, it's twice as horrifyin'," he says, eyes feeling dry as he keeps his gaze on his daughter. "I'm scared every day, Newt. Can't count to you how many times I wake up in cold sweat, probably same as you. And there ain't a day when having Clementine around doesn't scare me as much as it makes me happy."
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It's something that doesn't belong, and sometimes it wakes him in a jolt of fear, like looking into the reflection of a mirror and not recognizing who's on the other side.
There are days when Sawyer still isn't sure who he is, or where he's woken up. The world's never given him a great anchor, he thinks. Never one that he could hold to like a lifeline.
"There was a time when I felt that about everyone," he says quietly, trying his best to stop his hands from shaking, though a tremble escapes them here and there. "Like... there wasn't really a way to protect everyone at all times, so what was the damn point in gettin' to know anyone at all? People would disappear. If you were lucky, they'd disappear quietly, peacefully, in their sleep or some crap like that. But you're not gonna be lucky all the time. I lost my parents when I was a kid. Mom fell for a con man. Dad found out and shot her, then shot himself. And hell, the people I lost just as violently as that, I can't even count them on both hands."
Sawyer raises his hand, trying to rub at his forehead, though the shake of his fingers makes it hard to find purchase against his skin.
"I know you've seen shit that's a whole lot bigger than anything I did. But it kept happenin'. It was never all at once. You'd think that you'd seen the worst of it, and the next time, it's twice as horrifyin'," he says, eyes feeling dry as he keeps his gaze on his daughter. "I'm scared every day, Newt. Can't count to you how many times I wake up in cold sweat, probably same as you. And there ain't a day when having Clementine around doesn't scare me as much as it makes me happy."