sciencesaggressively: (omf your innocent little face)
Dr. Newton Geiszler ([personal profile] sciencesaggressively) wrote2014-02-28 02:08 pm
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and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

He hasn't been sleeping well since he'd woken from his coma, and he still thinks that's kind of funny. Now that he's back to what he supposes he can call normal, as far as his brain is concerned, he feels a little more confident that he'll be okay; it's just that with the recovery in his head had come the memories of that night and that's a little trickier to deal with. He's managed to fake his way through the motions--he's become a master of slowing his breathing and pretending to be asleep until he can sense Kate drift off next to him because otherwise, he knows she'd just worry. He doesn't want her to worry. He just wants to be okay. It wasn't going to happen right away, he knows that, but nobody's been able to give him a solid time frame for when he's going to stop hurting or when he's going to stop thinking that every noise he hears from another room is that junkie back to finish the job, even though he knows the chances of that are incredibly slim, especially considering that Derek and Helen had taken care of the guy themselves.

"It's just going to take some time" is the generic answer he gets, from doctors and friends alike, and Newt's starting to question whether any of them actually know what they're talking about. They're not going through what he is, after all, right? How could they possibly know, how could they possibly understand what it's like? He's never lived with this kind of fear, never, he's never felt like there's anything holding him back and now he's finding that sometimes he's afraid of his own shadow. He's been doing well enough hiding it, he thinks. He still smiles and laughs at jokes and tells his own and people seem pretty convinced that he's moving on just fine. And it's not like he doesn't think he'll jump over this hurdle, he knows he will because he has to, there's no other option; he just doesn't know how long it's going to take and that uncertainty only contributes to his frustration.

He's in the bedroom now, even though it's just barely seven and he'd left Kate in the other room under the guise of needing a nap. He had tried, he's been trying for the last half hour, but it's just not happening. So he sits back up with a heavy sigh and blindly reaches for his crutches. It's taking less and less effort to getting them in the right place, which he's told is good, very good, it means he's healing the way he's supposed to and he should be happy. Happy. What makes him happy now is knowing that his friends are still there, that Kate is still there, and he hates the idea of being a burden to them even though he's pretty sure they'd all smack him in the head for even thinking that. He just can't seem to help it sometimes. Even so, he'd rather be next to her than be alone in here and he hasn't even had a proper conversation about her day since she'd gotten home from work. It takes a little bit of a struggle, but he ventures back out to the living room where she's got her feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Hey," he greets with a small smile, "anything exciting going on?"
everyonetakes: (41)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-03 05:05 am (UTC)(link)
It's weird that he's gone into the bedroom so early, but there's a part of her that's almost grateful for it, even if she kind of hates herself for even thinking that when she'd spent so many evenings here alone wishing that he was out of the hospital. After talking to Mindy, though, she's kind of needed some time to think about what she's going to do, because even with all the advice in the world she still has to make the final decision and that's a lot of pressure. It hasn't been that long since Newt was in the hospital, it's been even less time since he's gotten back to being himself and even now she knows he's not quite there. Not because he's still missing memories or knowledge, not because any of that remains buried, but because what happened to him is still there at least a little. It's hanging on, which she understands, she totally gets it. Esther had hung onto her for a long time, the memory of that girl coming at her with a knife, and the casket hangs on still.

She gets it.

But she's been distracted from it and she hates that, too. She wishes she could focus more on him and on what's going on, but all she's been able to think about is what's going on with her and whether or not she should tell him before she takes the test. If she just takes the test and discovers she's not pregnant, then it's fine, then no one has anything to worry about except she's not sure how he might feel about that. They've never talked about having kids and while Kate's still sure she doesn't want that any time soon -- or ever -- she doesn't know how Newt feels, which she thinks means she should tell him.

When he comes into the room, she looks up, startled out of her thoughts, and she still has no idea what she's going to do.

"Y'know," she says, gesturing at the TV she hasn't been paying the slightest bit of attention to. "Some serious drama going on with... whatever the hell I'm watching right now, I don't even know."
everyonetakes: (19)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-03 06:09 am (UTC)(link)
That's her opening and she knows it. Not that she needs one, of course, she knows she can talk to him whenever she wants, that he'll listen to her no matter what sort of shitty thing she has to say and that's part of why she doesn't want to lay this on him right now. Even with all the stuff he's dealing with, she knows he'll put a lot of it aside, as much as he can, and give her all his focus when she can't even do the same for him right now and she knows she's totally selfish a lot of the time, but this really takes the goddamn cake as far as she's concerned. He's been stabbed and his head was pretty muddled for awhile there, but she's just sitting here freaking out about something that might not even be a thing at all.

Tipping her head back to rest against the couch, she looks over at him and smiles faintly, because even with as panicked as she's feeling, he's still here with her. That's something of a comfort. No matter how this all turns out, he's not just going to ditch her even if he does freak out a little bit. She squeezes his hand, then draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She has to tell him. Even if it would be easier for the both of them if she just takes the test on her own and deals with it by herself, she knows she has to tell him. He would want her to.

"Yeah," she says. "I mean... yeah, but sort of not. I have to tell you something and it might not even be a thing, but it also sort of might be a thing and I could probably just deal with it on my own, but I feel like maybe that's not fair and that I should tell you anyway." And she realizes she's been rambling a little all without actually saying anything at all, so she stops herself, looks down at their hands and tries again. "Remember when we... sort of didn't use a condom?" There's not really any sort of about it. She'd gotten impatient and convinced him it wasn't necessary and he hadn't been in the best state to disagree with her. She realizes this is all her fault and that she's a total dick, but it's not like she can take it back now.
everyonetakes: (18)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-03 04:19 pm (UTC)(link)
It's not like she thinks he'll be a dick about it and just demand she get out of his apartment if it turns out she is pregnant, that's why she's telling him at all, but she can't help the way relief washes over her when he says they're in it together. Newt's an amazing guy, she's known that pretty much from the second she met him, but sometimes she can't help but let past experiences influence how she thinks some situations might turn out and she knows for a fact how this would have gone with other guys. It's why she let T get her the morning after pill from the clinic when she'd been sleeping with Ben. If she'd told him she wanted to use a condom or that she was afraid of getting pregnant, he would have blown her off right there and she realizes now having that idiot blow her off would have been the best thing for her, but at the time she'd been terrified of it. Newt's not like that, he could never be like that, but even knowing that doesn't make her any less grateful to hear him actually say those words.

"I don't know yet," she admits, chewing the inside of her lip. "I mean, my period's pretty late, but that could still be stress and the lack of eating. I sort of just... I shut down when you were in the coma. I only ate because Helen showed up with food and that's a lot of stress for a person, right? I mean, stress can make a woman totally skip her period so maybe it's just all that stuff and what it did to me." It feels like such a stretch, but it's the one thing she's praying to be true and she knows the best way to know for sure is to just take the test, but there's something really scary about that. One way or the other, she'll know for sure and if she is she'll have to deal with the consequences of her seriously stupid actions.

Kate's always wanted to avoid becoming her mother and yet here she is, potentially pregnant at twenty, only a year older than Tara was when she'd had Kate.

"I couldn't decide if I should take the test by myself or if I should tell you," she admits, her voice hushed. "So... now I've told you. I should take a test." It's still scary, it's still something she would much rather avoid, but being able to have Newt hold her hand while they wait for the results makes it just a little bit easier and maybe that makes her a dick, too, but being able to share the pressure is just something she'd needed without even realizing it. "I have to work tomorrow, but I can go buy one after work. Then we'll... then we'll know for sure."
everyonetakes: (41)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-04 07:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Possible pregnancy is one thing, she thinks he's right, they can totally handle this part, but the problem with a possible pregnancy is that it's possible it'll turn into an actual pregnancy and she's way less convinced of their ability to take that on. Not that she thinks he's not capable, she's pretty sure he can take on absolutely anything and come out on top, but she's way less sure about herself. They've never once talked about the idea of having kids and Kate's just never thought about it because it's not something she wants. The idea that Newt might want it has never once entered her mind, but now that this is a thing that's happening, she has to at least consider it.

And she has to consider what that might mean for the two of them. If he wants children, if he's expecting her to have babies one day down the line and she doesn't want to, that's kind of a huge thing. People break up over way less than that and while the thought of not being with him makes her feel like she can't breathe, she knows better than to think something so huge wouldn't cause problems down the road. Marriage and kids, people feel pretty strongly about those things a lot of the time and while she doesn't have a huge issue with marriage, the kids thing just freaks her right out.

She needs to ask that of him. She needs to get up enough courage to ask that hard question, but the only thing she manages is a laugh that comes out sounding sort of like a strangled wheeze more than anything else. "I don't want to get fat," she says on an exhale, then laughs again, even though it's true. She's never censored herself about him before, she doesn't think this is the best time to start.
everyonetakes: (42)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-04 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
The question itself causes her to panic a little, her heart suddenly beating heavy and hard behind her ribs and she has to take a few deep breaths before she's even capable of thinking of an answer. Her whole life, she's always been really casual with the idea of protection and pregnancy, she's always been sure if she got pregnant by accident, she'd have an abortion, no questions asked. But now, with the idea of it maybe being a reality, she's not so sure anymore. Being a mother isn't something she wants, she's sure of that, especially right now. She's way too young for it and even if she wasn't, even if she was thirty instead of twenty, she's pretty sure it wouldn't seem any more appealing.

But there's a big difference between casually thinking she'd get an abortion and actually having to consider it. Especially since this isn't just happening with some random dude, this is Newt. She'd had no idea how big a decision it could be and the fact that this is someone she loves instead of some stupid mistake she's made changes a lot of things. It certainly changes the ease with which she's willing to commit to just getting rid of a potential baby, not because she wants it, but because it would be a part of him.

"I'm not ready to be someone's mother," she says finally, when she thinks she might be done panicking. Her heart is still beating way too quickly and her skin feels suddenly clammy and her voice is shaking when she speaks, but she's sure of what she's saying. "Not now, probably not ever, but... I don't know. I mean, what would you want?" She's sort of answered him and sort of not, but she wants to hear his thoughts before she says anything else.
everyonetakes: (19)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-05 03:43 am (UTC)(link)
"Me neither," she says on an exhale, surprised by just how relieved she is that he's saying being a father isn't something he's interested in. Although things between them have moved pretty quickly, they've never had this talk, she's never considered the fact that they should have, because for as much as she loves him and knows she wants to be with him, four months of dating isn't long enough to have to consider having a baby talk. And she realizes now how stupid she'd been, thinking everything would just work out fine without the two of them ever talking about something so huge. So it's a relief, knowing they're on the same page, even if this probably isn't the best way for them to discover that, but it's scary, too, because that kind of makes the decision for them. If neither of them want to be parents, then that's it. There's not much of a discussion left and that's okay, she'd rather not have to fight about something this huge, but it's just scary.

"So that means... if I am pregnant..." And Kate, who's never had trouble saying a thing in her entire life, is having a rough time getting this out and she doesn't understand why. They've both just said they don't want to be parents and she's sure of her decision, she doesn't want to have a kid at all, but it's still so different to have to actually say it. She has to be an adult, though, she has to own up to her mistakes and accept the consequences, even if she's always hated having to do so. All her life, she's been great at avoiding consequences, blaming the stupid shit she's done on her mother, using her mental illness as a reason to act out, but she can't keep doing that. She wanted to make her own problems and now she has. Now she has to deal with it.

"If I am pregnant, we won't have it," she says, meeting his gaze and holding it when she says the words. "And that's okay? You'll still..." She's not sure what she's asking him, really, just that she wants to be sure his feelings for her won't change if she goes through with terminating a pregnancy. She doesn't understand half of what she's thinking and feeling right now, only that there's an awful lot of stuff just bubbling to the surface and a lot of it's deeply rooted in fears she's been pushing down for most of her life.
everyonetakes: (36)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-06 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
She hadn't even realized she'd been asking that question until he answers it, until he says he'll still love her, and she feels her shoulder sag a little, even though she's sort of embarrassed she'd been thinking that at all. They're on the same page when it comes to pretty much everything else and he's never given her a single reason to doubt him, but it's not like she's had a whole bunch of nice guys in her life and she's not sure how many of them would have said any of the things he's saying now had she put them in the same position. It's stupid to expect the same behaviour out of him and it's not that, it's not that she expects it, but if she's asking that question, then she has to at least admit that she's been afraid of it. She's afraid of losing him.

"I'm sorry," she says, because she doesn't want him to think she doubts him. If pressed, she won't know how to explain it at all, only that she's never been anywhere like this, she's never had to think about these things and the thought that her own stupidity might cause her to lose him makes her feel sick. Tentatively, she reaches for his hand, needing some kind of contact with him right now. This whole thing has made her feel way more vulnerable than she likes, but she still thinks she made the right decision in telling him. Maybe it sucks that now the two of them have to worry until tomorrow when she can get her hands on a test and they can know for sure one way or the other, but she still thinks it was right. She thinks he deserves to know and his opinion here is just as valid as hers.

She's just really grateful for the fact that neither of them are ready for this.

"Through everything," she agrees and it sounds a lot like a promise, but she's okay with that. She thinks it's the sort of thing she can say to him because she means it and when he says it, she believes him, too. She draws in a deep breath, then lets it out, surprised by how shaky she still sounds. "This was the right thing to do, right?" she asks suddenly, because she thinks it was, but maybe he'll disagree with her. "Telling you? I talked to Mindy first, I didn't know if I should or not, it was kind of freaking me out, but... this was right. Wasn't it?"
everyonetakes: (18)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-07 03:43 am (UTC)(link)
Kate's done a lot of bad shit in her life; she's treated a lot of people pretty poorly, she's been a bad daughter and a bad friend, a worse sister and a pretty terrible girlfriend to some people. She's not a big believer in karma, but she's also never thought she really deserves someone who's as good to her as Newt is and when he tugs her closer, when she's resting against him, she wraps her fingers in the front of his shirt, just holding onto him for a moment because whether or not she deserves him, somehow things have worked out and he's here, he loves her, and even with all the shitty things she's done in her life, she's still been given something pretty fucking spectacular. She's chewing on her lower lip when he tips her chin up and she smiles back at him, then relaxes her hand against his chest.

"You know that goes both ways, right?" she asks, because she knows he's not having a super easy time with this whole recovery thing and it's not like she blames him. The casket was bad enough, but somehow Esther was worse, and she remembers having dreams of that girl coming out of the dark at her, a knife in her hand. She remembers clearly how scary that was for months after, even if she never told anyone, even if she just shoved it down and pretended it didn't happen, but she hadn't had anyone like Newt then. There hadn't been anyone for her to talk to about it and she thinks if he'd been there, if she'd known him at that time, maybe it would have been different. And she wants him to tell her stuff, too, she wants to be able to help him, even if all he needs is for her to sit there and listen.

"All of it," she clarifies, still holding his gaze, her hand still resting against his chest. Faintly, under his shirt, she can feel his heart beating and she taps her fingers lightly against him in time with the beats. "The whole shebang. I'd do freaking anything for you, even if it just means doing nothing."
everyonetakes: (45)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-08 03:17 pm (UTC)(link)
"I'm not... I won't make you, because hello, it's not like I'm big on babbling about my shitty feelings," she says, waving a hand with a bit of a laugh. Even bringing this entire thing up with him has been hard enough, she doesn't think she can ever find the words to tell anyone how scary it had been to be put in a body bag and then into a casket. To hear a paramedic tell Chris they were going to have to call it. Standing alone in the dark in the jungle with a gun she'd never used before, knowing Danny was behind her somewhere, bleeding to death on the jungle floor, jumping at every noise, thinking every cracking twig might be the end of her life. She doesn't talk about any of that because she doesn't know how and she doesn't want to put that on anyone else, so she gets it. But she wants him to know he can, too, if he can be better at it than she is. If he needs to.

"I'm just saying, if you need to, I'm not... I can handle it," she says, then glances down at herself when he says they have more important things to worry about. Her shoulders lift in something that's caught somewhere between a shrug and a laugh before she lets out a long sigh. It's still scary, but they've made a decision and even though it still feels weird to think it might even be a possibility, she's seriously relieved they're on the same page.

"I guess... I'll pick one up on my way home from work," she decides, still looking down at herself, trying to imagine what it might be like if the test is positive. It won't matter, they're not going forward with it, but she can't seem to help herself, can't seem to stop imagining how many things would change. "We can get it done tomorrow and then figure stuff out from there."
everyonetakes: (41)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-09 05:30 pm (UTC)(link)
What they'd gotten up to on Mardi Gras, despite the unfortunate consequences now, has at least mostly convinced Kate she doesn't need to be so careful with him and so she slips her arms around him, pressing closer to him on the couch so she can rest her head against his shoulder. It's stupid, he hasn't given her any reason in the world to doubt him, and yet for a few moments before telling him -- and a few moments after -- she'd been worried that he'd be angry with her, that he'd ask her to leave for awhile, maybe that he might even not want her around at all. It's nothing he's ever done to make her think that, but the sudden realization that she lives here now, she's totally in this relationship to the point where she thinks about the future and she always factors him into it, almost without thinking, and the idea of having it taken away from her is scarier than she wants to admit, even to herself.

But he says those words -- as long as we're together -- and she feels a big chunk of that fear just let go. It's not like she's excited about the next twenty-four hours, worrying about the result, waiting to get off work so she can buy the test, but knowing he'll be there through it makes it all a little easier.

"You're a good guy," she say, tipping her head against his shoulder so she can look up at him. "Like, a really good guy." She hasn't had a lot of those, it's a pretty big compliment coming from her and she doesn't think he has any way of knowing that, but she hopes he understands it all the same.
everyonetakes: (41)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-11 03:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Most days, Kate doesn't have a problem with finding something to say. Even if the words she settles on aren't the right words, she can still usually find something to say and she's generally not too concerned about finding the right thing when all that matters is that she has a response. Over the years with her parents and the alters, she's just gotten used to snapping back as quickly as possible because any sort of delay, any pause to work out what she's thinking, some of the alters would have jumped on that as a weakness, and she's just carried that over into the rest of her life.

But a lot of the time with Newt, she feels like she's run out of words. For someone who always has something to say, she's just got nothing and normally it would make her uncomfortable to be stripped of the one defense she's always had, but it doesn't matter quite so much here. Because she thing is, she believes him. She doesn't trust a lot of people, she doesn't count on anyone to be around all the time except for him. He's turned out to be the exception to a whole lot of things she's thought and felt for most of her life.

Arching up, she presses a kiss against his mouth, because she's still petrified, but she feels better having talked to him. "I love you, too," she says, then draws in a deep, steadying breath before she nods. "Okay, plan made. We'll get this shit figured out tomorrow." And whatever happens, she completely believes him; they'll figure it out and he'll be there.
everyonetakes: (39)

[personal profile] everyonetakes 2014-03-12 12:16 pm (UTC)(link)
That's not the sort of question she thinks she has an answer to and she laughs without much humour, lifting her shoulders in a deep shrug. It's like she's somehow both completely wired and totally exhausted at the same time and there's a part of her that wants to get up and do something, keep herself busy, but there's another part that really just wants to lie down and go to sleep and maybe forget any of this has ever happened. That's not possible, she knows she'll have to wake up tomorrow and go to work and spend the entire day worrying about it until she can get back home to Newt, but she sort of wants to push that all aside and leave it until tomorrow. There's no avoiding it totally, but for the next few hours she thinks she can try to just forget it. She's always been pretty good at compartmentalizing in her own way.

Their activities are still kind of limited, given that Newt's not exactly up for heading out and wandering around in the melting snow and doing something totally random like going to that arcade she passes by on her way to work is probably out of the question, too, even though she's been meaning to ask him to go with her at some point. And she knows the question is probably bigger than that, that he's not just asking what they do right now, but it's all she has the mental energy for. The aftermath, whatever it is, that's another tomorrow thing. As long as he's not going to bail and as long as she's not going to freak out to the point of shutting herself off from him -- which she feels pretty confident she's not -- then she's okay with waiting until they get the results before going ahead with figuring out anything else.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" she asks, looking up at him. "Just... I don't know, something chill. Something normal. I need to totally forget any of this shit is something we're worried about for a little while because tomorrow is just going to be this absolute shitstorm of feelings all day and I think I need to like, prepare for that. Have a night to gather my mental forces."